Definitely Not Boyfriend Material
by krolium
Summary: Keith can't quite decide whether he hates Lance's dumb pickup lines, or whether he's just jealous that Lance keeps using them on random girls, and not him. Klance, college AU, ridiculously cheesy.


**A/N: This is the most cliche thing ever and I honestly, the idea of Lance using dumb pickup lines is just too cute for me to care. Sue me. Also, this is my first Voltron fic, so lemme know if any of the characters seem off.**

"So, does Lance have to flirt with every girl he meets," Keith asked under his breath, "or just the attractive ones?"

Pidge couldn't help but laugh. "Well, so far, he's left me alone, so I'd say it's probably just the ones he thinks are cute."

Keith scoffed, pushing his long black bangs out of his eyes so he could get a better view of the scene in front of him. "So, he's shallow as well as desperate," he asserted, watching from their isolated corner of the shitty university dining hall. As he looked at him from afar, he pushed around a single green pea with his fork, as if to pretend he was still interested in eating his food. He was exaggerating Lance's obnoxiousness, and he knew it, but he couldn't bring himself to care as he watched him flag down yet another girl-brunette, this time, and even taller than Lance was.

"He's nice once you get to know him, though!" Pidge assured him, and oh, did Keith know that. But he wasn't about to say that, so he let her continue. "Look, he's just a bit insecure when it comes to romance for whatever reason. There are worse things to be, y'know."

"Not if his goal is to get laid. Have you listened to him flirt?"

And, as they heard the conversation play out, Pidge didn't argue: Lance was probably never going to get laid with lines like that. The tall brunette rejected him after Lance (completely unironically) used the infamous Tennessee line on her, and Pidge couldn't quite hold back the sudden twitch that crept up her face and made her wince in vicarious embarrassment. "God, fine. You're right," she admitted, and Keith shot her a self-satisfied smirk before turning back toward Lance as he spotted his next target.

"Well, he- _llo_ there!" Lance drawled to…

"Oh my god, is he hitting on Allura?" Keith asked. He tried to stifle his laughter, but instead he ended up snorting as his shoulders shook, mouth covered by his hand.

Pidge sighed. "Well, that's it: he's a dead man. Rest in pieces, Lance."

"Er, hello," Allura replied from her seat, brows furrowed in confusion. Keith guessed that she hadn't quite picked up on the flirtation in Lance's tone yet. There were a few other people sitting at the table, so there was no real reason for Lance to address her specifically rather than the table as a whole.

"So," Lance continued as he leaned languidly on the table, his elbow barely avoiding some poor soul's platter of mashed potatoes, "what's your name?"

Okay, so not exactly cringey yet, but Keith and Pidge both held their breaths in anticipation. They knew what was coming next.

"Side note," Pidge muttered, voice low so as not to drown out the conversation of interest. "How the hell _doesn't_ Lance know Allura's name yet?"

Keith shrugged. It was a valid point. Everyone knew Allura; she was in student government, and highly involved with student affairs. Beyond that, she was objectively gorgeous-even Keith could see that, and he was strictly into men. Her dyed-platinum hair fell in long, elegant tresses over her shoulders and back, and it contrasted beautifully with her dark chocolate skin. This was exactly the kind of girl Lance would go for. It was a miracle Allura hadn't had to deal with him before.

Allura looked back at Lance, blue eyes sparkling with intrigue and just the slightest hesitation. "Allura. My name is Allura."

Pidge tapped Keith on the shoulder. "I betcha he comments on her accent."

"I'll buy you a soda if he does," Keith agreed, shaking her hand, though he knew that he was likely on the losing side of that bet. But it would be totally worth it if he got to see strong, intimidating Allura steamroll Lance and all his stupid flirtations.

"Wow, that's a perfect name for you!" Lance gushed in reply. "You know," he added with a winning smile, "since you're so _alluring."_

Pidge's jaw dropped. "He didn't."

Keith chortled. "Oh, but he did." What a dork, Keith kind of loved it, actually, though he'd be damned if he ever admitted it.

Meanwhile, Allura side-eyed Lance as she took a sip of her drink. She'd finally seemed to catch on to Lance's game, and she wasn't having any of it. She set down her glass, looking up at Lance with a ridiculously patronizing smile. "How original!" she replied brightly. "You know, I think it's the first time I've heard that line!"

Lance seemed to almost vibrate with happiness at the praise, bouncing excitedly on his feet as he smiled broadly. "Really?"

Allura deadpanned. "No, actually, that's the same line every fuckboy uses on me. You do know that I'm a lesbian, right?"

"Oh shit." Lance paled, suddenly standing upright again. The smile slid gracelessly off his face like a kitten on black ice, and if there was a word that meant dejected, embarrassed, and intimidated all wrapped up together, Keith was sure it would describe the look of terror in Lance's eyes perfectly. "God, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to-"

"I'm sure you didn't," Allura shot back shortly. "You don't have a problem with that, do you?"

"No, no problem at all!" Lance insisted, hands raised in submission. "Seriously, I'm bi, myself. I just didn't know. I'm sorry! I'll, uh…. I'll just go now." And with that, he made his retreat, leaving behind an irritated (though slightly guilty, based on the looks she was giving Lance as he walked away) Allura.

" _God."_

Keith looked back at Pidge (he'd almost forgotten about her, he'd been so engrossed in the shit that had just gone down). "So. Lance is bisexual?"

"Duh, everyone knew that," Pidge said, waving her hand dismissively. "But damn, did she shut him down. That was harsh."

"Wait, no, I didn't know that," Keith retorted, dropping his fork on his plate. "I thought he only hit on girls!"

"Yeah, but he's had, like, three different boyfriends since freshman year," she told him, still ridiculously nonchalant. "He just tends to stick to girls, since guys get angry when he assumes they're gay."

Well, Keith couldn't really argue with that logic. "I guess that makes sense."

He turned to Pidge, who was giving him an inquisitive, stare-into-your-soul kind of glare. "Why do you ask? Are you interested in him?"

 _Yes._ "No, I just wasn't expecting it, is all," he lied, feeling his cheeks burn- oh, he better not have been blushing. "Maybe my gaydar's broken."

"Well, it's good that you don't like him," Pidge replied with a shit-eating grin. "That means you won't get flustered when he sits down. I think he's walking this way."

She pointed over Keith shoulder and, sure enough, Lance was right there.

"Yo, Pidge!" Lance called out as he walked over to their little table in the corner. "Mind if I sit here? Hunk's away for the weekend, and I haven't had any luck with the girls, today."

"When have you ever had any luck with girls?" Pidge asked snidely, but she motioned for him to sit down nonetheless.

Lance rolled his eyes as he pushed the chair out with a screech. "Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I screwed up especially badly, today."

"We saw," Keith blurted, before he could even think about how tactless that was. "You were kinda making a scene. Surprised you didn't know Allura was a lesbian."

Lance shrugged, setting his tray down on the table as he sat down. "Guess my gaydar's broken."

Pidge shot Keith a knowing leer, then turned back to Lance. "Yeah, that seems to be a common problem around here."

Lance looked back and forth between Keith and Pidge, but he didn't seem to quite put the pieces together. Which was good news, in Keith's opinion.

But then Lance scowled, and a shiver ran down Keith's spine. "Wait a minute…. Since when are you and Keith friends, Pidge?"

"I dunno. High school," Pidge said. "His step-brother is best friends with my brother, so we kinda just started hanging out."

And Lance seemed completely satisfied by that, so there was no reason for Pidge to elaborate further, but sure enough, she added, "oh, and we were both in our school's Sexuality and Gender Alliance back in high school, too. We saw each other a lot."

Pidge gave Keith another glare, one teasing one that said _oh yeah I spotted that crush from a mile away_ and Keith was suddenly very, very afraid.

Lance nodded, tearing into his dry, unappetizing roast beef. "Cool! So, what, is Keith ace as well?"

"No," was all Keith could choke out. He couldn't believe that this had taken such a dramatic turn so quickly. One minute, he'd been roasting Lance and his lame pickup lines from afar, appreciating the sheer dorkery but realizing that his crush was entirely unrealistic. Now, Lance was sitting right there next to him, talking to him like it was no big deal, and Keith had no idea what to do.

Dammit.

"Actually, he's gay," Pidge replied casually, shooting Keith yet another look of mischief. "I think he had a crush on Matt back when we were fourteen?"

"I thought I told you never to talk about that again," Keith groaned. "Like, ever."

Lance laughed. "Heh, that's hilarious! Wait, so, you're into men?"

Keith wasn't sure how he felt about the look Lance was giving him, but he saw no reason not to reply truthfully. "Well, yeah."

"That's great! That means I can use my line on you. I saw it on the internet yesterday, and I've been trying to find someone to use it on all day, but none of the girls here are into it."

Oh no.

No, Keith knew exactly what was coming, but there was no way he could say no to the adorable look of hope on Lance's face, the way his eyes glittered in anticipation.

Pidge snickered. "Yeah, Keith, don't you wanna hear his line of the day?"

Heaven help him, he couldn't just say no, now. "Yeah sure," he said, trying to keep his composure but probably failing spectacularly. "Tell me your line."

"Okay, okay, here it is," Lance gushed, setting his fork down on the table and- _oh shit-_ resting his hands on Keith's. "Are you from Tennessee?"

This was it. This was the road to hell. "No. Why?" he asked.

"Because you're the only _ten I see!_ Ha, get it?" Lance gave him a dopey smile, and god, what a dork.

Somehow, the stupid, cliche line didn't sound nearly as stupid when it was directed at Keith himself. Keith felt heat rush to his cheeks and to his chest, and he fumbled for a reply. "God," he stuttered out, "that was- that was awful."

"It worked though, didn't it?" Lance queried, looking Keith over with the same bright eyes that Keith had fallen for in the first place. "It looks like it did!"

And the worst part of it all wasn't the line itself, or the way Lance had said it. It wasn't even the way Pidge coughed, "dorks" under her breath as Keith felt his resolve wear down.

No, the worst part was the fact that-

"Yeah, fine," he mumbled, "it might've worked a bit."

And, for all the embarrassment he'd been subjected to, the peck on the cheek that Lance gave Keith made everything worth it.

"It's still a stupid line, though! Don't use it again," Keith added before he kissed him back, this time on the lips.


End file.
